If you are reading this, someone has likely commented that you are "projecting". What does this even mean?
Protection occurs when our past hurt and pain takes over our perception of what is happening in the present. This happens for all of us. Current conflicts trigger unresolved issues from our past – including childhood wounds and disappointments from previous relationships.The problem with this is that it actually allows the past to get in the way of living a fulfilling life now.
The purpose of this article is to help you to better understand yourself and to take control over how you participate in your most important relationships.
If you are considering whether or not projection may be an issue for you in your relationships, it may be useful to consider the following...
If after a conflict the other person tries to reach out, do you feel it is important to remain detached and withdrawn?
Is there a part of you that thinks you shouldn’t give in or show "weakness"?
Is it necessary to make the other person work hard to regain your approval?
When you’re 100% convinced the other person is the the cause of your pain, you’re almost certainly projecting.
The thing is... There is no 100% wrong and no 100% right.
The important thing here is not to focus on what the other person is thinking or feeling. You absolutely MUST focus on what YOU are thinking and feeling. Where does this come from? When have I felt this before? How often do I feel this way? What is the proof that these feelings are necessary right now in THIS moment?
Remember that you cannot read minds and nothing in life is black and white.
Projection keeps us from understanding the true source of our pain. When you’re convinced someone else is to blame, you’re shortchanging the effects of your own trauma and your ability to function in the present moment. Our past experiences give us valuable information about how to respond in our current lives - IF we listen.
When you are able to process trauma from your past (and the hold it may still have on you), you are able to feel less burdened and more clear in your ability to access strengths in your thinking and emotions.
That being said ... some abusers do use the accusation of "projection" as a way to avoid their own tendency toward projection and the need belittle you. Just to be sure, here are three ways to self-assess whether or not you actually are projecting:
1. When you’re projecting, you’re 100% convinced you’re 100% right about the situation at hand – and you’re certain the other person is at fault. You’ll feel angry, your brow will furrow, and you might even assume an intimidating posture. Righteousness.
2. If an argument leaves you feeling deeply hurt and you experience a feeling of sadness in your body. Our bodies also hold onto memories in addition to our brains. It is useful to ask yourself what was the earliest time I felt this feeling of sadness, hurt and pain in my body? There may be an answer you did not expect. Perhaps a feeling of rejection from childhood. Injustice / Unfairness.
3. Have you ever felt an overwhelming sense of anxiety or panic during an argument? The need to resolve something right here, right now is a signal that you’re likely bringing a past traumatic event into the present moment. Danger feels imminent.
If you feel like these scenarios apply to you, there is help. You have the right to take control of your life and to feel safe in your present day life.
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